Nighttime Parenting

I know many of us have heard that parenting is a 24-hour job. I heard it before I had a baby, and I thought something along the lines of, "Perhaps, but I'm praying that my baby will be that one in a million who sleeps GREAT from day 1." Well, I guess you could say my prayer wasn't answered. Honestly, it was a bit of a vain and fearful prayer. I didn't think I could survive missing sleep. I wasn't even that great of a sleeper before a had a child. I am a true light sleeper. Everything from a buzzing fan to the tiniest light from an alarm clock can keep me awake at night. I require total darkness and total silence in order to "sleep through the night."

When MCM was born, both of my requirements went out the window immediately. Despite the fact that her room was so close to ours I could hear every breath and hiccup, I insisted upon employing the baby monitor. In a small house, baby monitors do nothing but magnify every sound so that you imagine your baby is suffocating when you don't hear something or choking when you do. Every tiny whimper sounds frightening and desperate over the baby monitor - especially to a first-time Mom.

For that first week or so she did what most babies do - slept most of the time no matter what noises were nearby. We even kept a night light on in her room. No matter. She didn't seem to notice a sight or sound when she was asleep. We congratulated ourselves on our sweet and quite babe. She rarely cried and mostly slept - the ideal baby! No work at all!

And then she woke up.

And then she started crying. Frequently.

Sometimes at night she would cry for hours, and we couldn't figure out why. Is she hungry? Well, she just ate! The books say only to feed her every few hours! Is she sleepy? Well, she won't go to sleep! The books say just to lay her down in her crib and shush her, and she'll go to sleep. Why isn't this working?! Is our kid broken?!

I had also read that new babies usually sleep 16 to even 20 hours a day sometimes. Well, MCM rarely slept at all. Short increments during the day. Longer increments at night after HOURS of crying. I was pretty much devastated that I had this screaming baby who wouldn't get on "my" schedule, never let me sleep, demanded all my attention, and even when I gave it to her it wasn't enough. She always needed more!

It was a hard road. I am a perfectionist and always want to do everything "right." I wanted to do what everyone says you are supposed to do for your baby, because that's what makes me feel comfortable. I did not want to have to make choices that seem different or enter (for me) uncharted territory, but that is what I have done. What I was forced to realize is that all babies are NOT alike, but all babies have nighttime needs. Some babies have more needs than others, and those babies usually have more nighttime needs as well. They cannot be put away in the evening, and they will let you know it. You can either fight this tooth and nail and you both can be miserable, or you can accept your baby with love and learn to be a nighttime parent.

The mere change in perspective has helped me enormously! I don't expect to flip a switch at 7:00 PM that turns off her needs. Instead of pushing for my way and resenting her when she doesn't give me "a break" or "my time" at night, I just expect that she will wake up. When she does, I am not surprised or angry. I just get up and go to her and meet her needs. We nurse and have a snuggle and she feels safe and secure again. Usually she goes right back to sleep, though I am not surprised if she doesn't. I have learned that like any human, her needs are not static - they change. Sometimes she has more needs than others. Sometimes she can't sleep or is extra hungry or needs a diaper change. Sometimes she is too hot or too cold or just needs more comfort than usual. Who does she call to take care of these things? Me. I am her parent. She is not equipped to meet her own needs. She couldn't!

Think for a second about how many nights you actually sleep all the way through. When was the last time you got 12 hours of sleep? I know I wake up frequently for no reason at all sometimes. Sometimes I just can't sleep. Sometimes I need to use the restroom or get a sip of water. Yet we expect that our babies should not have any of these needs! But, the fact is, they do. And when they wake up in need, babies cry. Crying is how they communicate. To ignore those cries is to say to a baby or child, "Your needs are not as important as my own. I need sleep!" I am an adult and have the ability to take care of myself. Why do I expect that my 9-month-old can do what I as an adult can do? Why would I expect her to sleep better and more comfortably than myself?

If you have a baby who challenges you with her sleeplessness, I would challenge you to search your heart and your attitude before you write off her nighttime needs. For me, becoming a nighttime parent has opened me to love MCM even when it is difficult. I have seen her become a happy, rested, content child. She is confident in my love for her and trusts me completely to meet her needs. Will this last forever? I know it won't. This is a mere SEASON of parenting. Do I forget this sometimes? Absolutely! But I continuously return to the belief that my calling is to lay down my life for this child. I am determined that if she never receives selfless love from anyone else in her lifetime, she will receive it from me to the extent that Christ will love through me and I will open my heart to her.

This is in NO way an attempt to toot my own horn. This is just an attempt to encourage parents out there who are struggling with similar challenges. There are many, MANY babies out there who are not good sleepers - probably more than most of us realize. Lots of parents feel awkward admitting that their baby is "still" not sleeping through the night. It can feel like a personal failure, but it is NOT! There are many different kinds of babies, and that means there are many different kinds of parents and parenting styles. If you find yourself "called" by your little one to be a nighttime parent, it will be okay! You will learn to live with less sleep. When your baby goes through times of more intense nighttime needs, you may get very sleep deprived and need extra rest. This is when you scale back and only do those things that are necessary. Don't worry about having a messy house or returning every phone call! Let people help you - especially your husband! When you get a little extra rest, you will also get that extra push you need to keep going.

Isaiah 40:30-31
Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

2 Chronicles 15:7
But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.

Colossians 3:12-14
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.